When things get difficult, we are generally consumed in relations by looking at who is doing what to whom, how it shouldn’t be that way, and who is right or wrong. It leads us into discussions we are probably familiar with and we don’t want to have and yet are almost pulled into! I mean the type of arguments in which you almost know from the start what will be said, you can almost leave the conversation at a point and play a recorder for the rest of the talking! Same old, nothing new, no solution! 

I want to invite you to take a step back and approach with a different perspective to the same situation. Here are some practical steps you can follow:

1. Name what triggers you about the other person. For ex. let’s assume you are a person who wants to speak and solve issues, not leave anything unresolved or unspoken and the other person is more silent or avoiding getting into conflict and this is a repeating pattern that triggers you. Name the trigger separating from the person: in this case ‘silence or avoiding conflict’. 
2. Search for that quality in yourself. This is an exploration stage. When and where might you be in silence or avoiding conflict? It is easier to start looking outside the relationship, especially if the conflict is heated. Your initial response might be no, I am never like that! That’s ok, sometimes it is difficult to see. But stay with the question and soon you will be so surprised to see how you are just like that, maybe in a different context.
3. Explore further. When you are able to see that quality in you, think of what makes you go there, what is your ‘good reason’ to behave the way you behave? What is your ‘why’ for avoiding conflict or choosing silence in that example? Also think about what you ‘need’ at that moment. You can also explore where it doesn’t show up. What is different between the two relationships that you find yourself in these opposing roles? What changes in you? 
4. Bring your awareness to the relationship. Now you are in a more resourceful place to look at your current relationship and search how you might also be bringing the ‘silence and avoiding conflict’ quality, maybe just a tiny little bit. If you can completely be true to yourself, you may be able to find your part. For example, there might be just one topic that you never bring to the table. Or maybe you keep saying let’s talk, but you know he, she, or they will refuse anyway and actually you are not so willing to go there either.
5. Notice the change in your emotions. At this stage, you will probably find that your energy around the person that was triggering you is dissolved. You don’t feel charged when you think about the other person in that situation anymore, you feel more compassion. You feel empathy in a different way, you truly understand and can respond differently.

Finding how and why “a quality that disturbs us in others is also alive in us” is one of the most transforming perspectives in my experience. And the biggest gift is that it opens space to start seeing the person beyond the triggering qualities, with their wholeness and beauty. It resolves the energy, so now you can go beyond reactions and have a meaningful conversation about how you feel and what you both need.